Sex Is Not A Four Letter Word

Written originally for Ceylon Today.

Kris Jenner, the mother of Kourtney, Kim, Khloe, Kendall and Kylie, came under considerable attack in a largely liberal USA, for revealing on Fox Television her decision to put all of her daughters on birth control ‘as soon as they expressed sexual curiosity.’ Jenner defended her unconventional method of protecting her children by stating pragmatically, “You can try and talk your kids out of having sex, but unless you lock your child in the closet and throw the key away, they’re going to do what they feel.” And she is right, for no matter what warnings are issued, dire consequences predicted and judgments pronounced, children will continue to be curious and explore the subject of their curiosity, whatever it may be. 

Curiosity is a prerequisite to development

Sexual curiosity is a prerequisite to sexual development, and as such should be accepted as normal. However, in cultures such as ours; in which the concept of shame is used liberally as a tool for suppression, repression and to impose social order; topics such as sex, sexuality, sexual preferences, sexual orientation and sexual curiosity are never explored or discussed in the mainstream. Children partake in a State sanctioned educational curriculum that exposes them to sex – in this case sexual reproduction – in descriptions of the barest, most technical and impersonal terms, in just one lesson at Grade Eight (when approximately 13 years of age) in their entire 13 or so years of education. 

The same restrictions exist at home, where children are typically discouraged from expressing any interest in topics relating to sex either for fear they will be labelled precocious or forward if they do, or because parents themselves are unsure of what their own thoughts and opinions on the subject are - having themselves been subject to the same inadequate State-sponsored sex education and interacting as they do with small communities in which there exists no conversation on sex, save in the form of crude inside jokes. It is no wonder then, that the curious child will seek alternative avenues to satisfy and further explore the subject of curiosity.

The defining feature of the 21st century is the multiple options and avenues, sub options and sub avenues available in any field of interest. Long gone are the days in which the offspring of a doctor was expected to grow up and take on his father’s practice and the children of farmers to take on farming themselves; to children, the world today is an open vista and when they cannot find answers to questions on sex at home, they will reach out to alternate avenues; the internet for literature and pornographic material, video stores for soft porn, peers and friends for group interaction and experimentation or to adults with whom they have struck a friendship and believe can be trusted. It is often at this juncture that a child exposes him (or herself) and is vulnerable to becoming victim to sexual predators and their own unanswered questions on sexuality and unexplained, unrestrained bodily urges. 

Definition of rape

Earlier this month, six-year-old Dushanthini was raped and murdered by her 16-year-old uncle and two of his friends. The word ‘rape’ is typically used to describe a sexual act that takes place without consent, and with some form of violence, force or intimidation. However, in the aftermath of the child’s death it was revealed that the six-year-old and her 16-year-old uncle had engaged in such activity for a period of about a month, before – on that fateful night – he panicked and killed her for fear she would speak of the sexual activities she had been partaking in thus far.

When these details emerged, there were those that were quick to condemn the child with little or no understanding of what factors led to children being abused in such a manner, and the word ‘rape’ was quickly withdrawn and replaced with ‘affair’ – implying the child, at six years – was responsible for the situation she was in. The same unspoken judgment lies heavily on the 13-year-old from Hakmana, who was repeatedly raped by about 15 men over a period of five days, the 15-year-old, who was raped by a 19-year-old she agreed to meet at the BMICH, and the 14-year-old, who demanded money and a school bag from the older man who had raped her, in exchange for her silence. What must be understood, however, is that these children, although often complicit by circumstance in the physical act, are unaware of the implications of engaging in sexual activity before reaching physical or mental maturity. This is why, by law, any sexual activity under the age of 16 – with or without consent – is considered rape. 

A leading gynaecologist, speaking on conditions of anonymity, said, that in many cases, the abused child (whether female or male) realizes in time, that there is some pleasure to be gained from sexual activity. In these cases, despite the range of unexplained emotions such as fear, pain and guilt and confusion, the child yields to her abuser and may even actively seek out more sexual activity and pleasure in time. It is precisely for this reason that children are targeted by abusers, she explained. They are ignorant, confused, often completely trusting, and easily cowed into submission. Worse still, when the abuse comes to light, children are further victimized by their parents who realize they are guilty of neglect, and take it out on the child. This causes the child to withdraw further and cease trusting and communicating, resulting in further psychological damage and trauma that has long reaching effect.

Inadequate sex education at home and at school

“This is why it is important that parents engage in open and honest conversation with their children on the topic of sex and sexuality,” opined, Save the Children in Sri Lanka (SCiSL) Director Advocacy, Menaca Calyaneratne. “This will prevent them from experimenting in a way that amounts to crime,” she said, adding, it was important for parents to talk to their children about their bodies and how they must not allow anyone to touch them in any way that makes them uncomfortable as soon as they are old enough to do things on their own. She also felt it essential that topics beyond physical and hormonal changes – topics such as intercourse, sexuality, attraction, dangerous situations, the opposite sex, relationships, the appropriate age for such things, sexual orientation, sexual preference, laws pertaining to sexual abuse, so on and so forth, are also discussed with the child as they proceed through adolescence to adulthood. 

When asked to comment on whether there was enough support from the State in educating children adequately on the subject of sex, she said, “Teenage children tell me their Health and Science teachers often skip the lesson on reproduction, asking students to read it at home. This reluctance to speak on the subject of sex has left our children vulnerable to abuse. If more State support is given to protect children within schools it would be of immense value – there are many reports of teachers and principals themselves engaging sexual abuse, and ideally the State should put in place some mechanism to screen potential teachers at the recruitment stage before they enter the government service, and to monitor their activities around children.” 

Onus on the media

She also felt there should be more responsible, open discourses on the subject of sex in the mainstream media, explaining that it could, when coupled with solid sexual education, prevent sexual crime. “Children will know to protect themselves from sexual predators,” she said, adding, it will be better if society as a whole understood that children will only continue to be sexually curious and active, and that support and guidance was necessary to becoming responsible adults.